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[sticky post] This Is For Me

I think I know what the problem is.

Technically, this is who I am, or at least try to be. I strive to be someone who is kind and helps anyone and everyone unconditionally. I want to be someone who loves everyone and hates no one. This starts with sincere intention and action. But I realize that most times my effort is 'unnecessary', 'unneeded'. If I stop being like this, no one would care. It would not change anything. Because they 'never asked for it'. I realize the only ones who truly appreciate your kind gestures towards them are family and good friends, and that's if you're blessed enough. Others don't even have family to fall on. I am blessed. Alhamdulillah. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for people I meet outside. Colleagues, acquaintances. Somehow, kind gestures do not move their hearts.

I get that it's not right to expect anything since I aim to be kind UNconditionally, but it helps if people show appreciation and give back. You don't start feeling unwanted, worthless.

I suppose this is part and parcel of life. We'll meet people who don't behave the way we expect them to, based on the expectations we have on our own selves. We'll meet people who simply won't give two shiz about you.

So I have some advice for myself. A, it's okay. It's okay if you have not met the 'right' people. Every person that Allah s.w.t has put in your life and you will meet in future is meant for you. He is the best of Planners, there is wisdom in everything that happens to you. Don't give up in being the best person you can be. Don't give in to the despair that clings to your heart. It will be alright. It will be okay. Allah is with you.

Love Yourself

Never, ever throw away your values for something that you desire. Your gut has always been right, do not disregard it just because you want that which is not even halal. Protect yourself, and Allah swt will protect you and reward you with something infinitely better.
Oh honey. When will you stop giving your heart away so easily.

Jun. 18th, 2017

Ya Allah. Please ya Allah. Please bless me with peace and tranquility. Please do not let my happiness be dependent on other people. On creation. Please guide me on the straight path and bring me close to you. Please let Your love for me envelop me. Please wake me up. Please protect me from the hurt others bring to me. Please protect me from being affected by others. Please help me. Please help me. Please help me. Please bless me with the freedom from having shackles around my heart. Shackles that tie me down to others due to my insecurities. Please free me ya Allah. I cannot take this anymore. I cannot take the pain anymore. I'm trying ya Allah. But all I feel is pain. The same pain throughout most of my life. Please give me freedom.

Once depressed, always depressed?

I can't seem to escape the situation of being made fun of behind my back, of being ostracised intentionally by my own circle of friends, of being treated as a fool.

Even when trying to be one's best, to be a kind and open person who will give as much as I can to help others and make them feel better, somehow it all produces negative impressions and harmful misunderstandings.

What am I to do, if I just want to be the best person I can be, but also protect myself? I will be wearing my heart on my sleeve but not want it to get dirty, which is impossible.

Am I not able to overcome my past experiences, the hurt that I felt, the scars that remain, like a smudge that just refuses to go away?

Am I somehow still in a state of depression, being easily affected by how others treat me, hurting so easily and crying like I've never been healed?

How can I do that when God has blessed me with so many happy memories and good people in between the bad. I can only pray to overcome this anxiety that I have, and have hope that He will help me.

JUMPING C4R & Takizawa Kabuki

I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed the first time I heard the songs in the album. I was after all hooked to JUMP because of their cool songs like Ride With Me, Come Back..? and Forever from their sm3art album. This album is full of cutesy songs so I felt meh about it. Listening to them again though, I have to say they've grown onto me, especially Walk and Shen Shera Shen. They have that enjoyable tune to them and are easy on the ears. My favourite is...I don't know what it is, the title is filled with Kanji. Koi yo, boku wo something something. Oops. Anyway, JUMP IS LOVE! xD

Takizawa Kabuki was awesome! My favourite parts were the horror section, the dance in European/pirate clothing and last but not least the SG50 special! Really Takki, you are too sweet, considerate and kind. Thank you so much for celebrating Singapore's 50th with us. Rasa Sayang felt like a Shokura episode, with the juniors coming down from stage and dancing in the audience. I was so lucky to sit almost right next to the aisle(my friend was sitting beside me in the aisle seat); I got to wave at Snow Man's Sakuma Daisuke who was right beside my friend and I and HE HAPPILY WAVED BAAAACK which basically made me fall in love haha! I really hope Snow Man gets to debut now; all of them look gorgeous and are so talented! The juniors were especially sweet to the SG kids who took part in Rasa Sayang; while they stood in front of them on stage during the performance, they constantly looked back, smiling and encouraging them. Johhnys sure are kira kira and yasashii ne~

I wasn't able to buy any goods because the line was CRAZY and it was a night show and I had work the next day so nu-uh man. nu-uh. But I got a stroke of good luck and an acquaintance of mine bought the booklet for me when she was lining up! Can't wait to get it from her <3.

Apologies for no photos; I'm typing this on my laptop and all my photos are in my phone.


Talk about monotonous

The older you get, the more sleep you need.

I still remember studying till 2am for A Levels and being able to concentrate in school the next day. Some days I become insomniac, falling asleep only at 5.40am when I have to get ready for school from 6.15. Nowadays I can't function for even 6 hours straight if I get less than 8 hours of sleep.

I can't help it though; working has taken up the usual 10 hours of me-time I had during the holidays that recently I would force myself to enjoy (read: watch youtube videos HAH) till late at night even though I know I need the sleep. Last night was the worst by far; I was so into a walkthrough that I just HAD to know the ending. The result: zooming through 15 videos and sleeping at 2 in the morning. I am now currently yawning every 10 minutes. I'm glad my work quality hasn't been affected.

Oh, right. I got a job! Did I even make an entry about graduation? I can't remember. That's how little I think of it HAHA. Work too. No celebratory post huh...

There's nothing to celebrate anyway; it's a dead-end, contract, admin, non-degree job. But the environment is positive, the work isn't boring and I am enjoying myself. Will I stay though? No. I am not going to waste 3 years of university education just to do something that doesn't require one. I still don't know what sort of job suits me, though I know what I like. I love animals! So even though I'm not a lifescience major I really hope my future permanent job will be one related to animals that requires a degree (and hence will give a decent pay).

On 1 August I went to catch the movie premiere of Attack on Titan. It was disappointing. End of story. I only went to get the goods; the poster is cool and the files I will keep unused. Foreverrr.

One last thing before I go. Thank you all who read my fan report on waku waku! 100% you won't see this but still thank you! My next japanese/Johnny's event is Takizawa Kabuki so I think I will be writing a report on that too. Great, only 2 weeks left to brush up my japanese before the special day...IKUZO!!
Here is my own report on Arashi no Waku Waku Gakko that was streamed live in Singapore on Sunday, 28 June 2015, 10am - 12ishpm. I basically wrote this for myself, so that I won’t forget what happened. Feel free to read this if you are interested. A few disclaimers to take note off:

1. I've only completed the beginner level in Japanese, but my current level is way below that since I haven't been practising/continuing my studies for the past 2 months and have forgotten probably half the grammar and vocabulary I learnt. Thus interpretation and assumption of what the boys have said can be up to 100% wrong. Can be.

2. I have goldfish memory BUT no worries because I wrote the content down immediately. Again, it's just a matter of whether I interpreted what everyone said correctly.

3. Only parts which I remember will be reported. And the only ones I remember are ones I (sorta) understand so...gomen!

4. I'm in both fandoms but it's more of 80% tobikko 20% arashian. Therefore apologies if my inner fangirl can be sensed only when talking about certain members.

5. I don't think of myself as such but I can be bimbotic when it comes to writing, so sorry if my writing style sickens you.

Anyway, PLEASE do not take this report word for word; check out other fans' reports too and if you see any discrepency on my part feel free to let me know in the comments below!

It begins here!Collapse )

That's it! Apologies for all the emoticons, but those were really my facial expressions when I was typing this out haha! I do hope you had a great time reading this, and may YOU have the opportunity to catch Waku Waku Gakko in future.



Blessed am I.

When I was a child I yearned to get my hair straightened because I felt straight hair was pretty while curly hair was not. And because I liked to follow my sister's ideas. My mom would go, 'people perm their hair to get locks like yours, and you want to get rid of what people yearn for??'. In my 6 year old mind I was like meh, what has that got to do with anything? But now I know. It's a simple lesson: be grateful with what you have. I've finally embraced my curls; although frizzy, with some hair oil it looks gorgeous~ Blessed am I to realize the important lesson, and to change my way of viewing things.

I got a job! Although it's contract and doesn't even require university qualifications, I'm happy. But sometimes I can't help but feel unsatisfied with the income I'm receiving. Well, it is expected, but still. Then, again I realized. There are so many other things that can be gained just from the act of working itself! Experience. Friendship. Courage. Resilience. Work makes you grow up. I literally felt as though I've graduated from life as a student, even though commencement won't be till next month. You're forced to be an adult. No more whining. No more being a brat. And so again, the same lesson. Blessed am I to have the opportunity, while many others still struggle to get a job.

I got scolded today. By a loved one. By my mom. It felt painful, especially since I was just trying to help. But it's Ramadhan. A month where we shy away from evil and non-muslim acts. I was sad. I wanted to be angry. But then what is the point in doing so? Never be angry with your parents. They have done everything for you, and sometimes they crack. That's all. Nothing complicated. Forgive them, Ramadhan or no. I'm finding it difficult to completely let go though. I'm the sort that can't help but harbour grudges.

Lastly, a lot of activities for JUMP yea! I am such a proud tobikko haha. I will, Insyaa allah if I can remember, always be praying for you, praying that the fate that Allah s.w.t has written for you includes spending the rest of eternity in Jannah. Insyaa allah.

Important note to self: when asking God for something, make sure you want it with all your heart. Have all the hope in the world that it will happen. If not then why ask for it if you think you most likely won't get it?