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[sticky post] This Is For Me

I think I know what the problem is.

Technically, this is who I am, or at least try to be. I strive to be someone who is kind and helps anyone and everyone unconditionally. I want to be someone who loves everyone and hates no one. This starts with sincere intention and action. But I realize that most times my effort is 'unnecessary', 'unneeded'. If I stop being like this, no one would care. It would not change anything. Because they 'never asked for it'. I realize the only ones who truly appreciate your kind gestures towards them are family and good friends, and that's if you're blessed enough. Others don't even have family to fall on. I am blessed. Alhamdulillah. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for people I meet outside. Colleagues, acquaintances. Somehow, kind gestures do not move their hearts.

I get that it's not right to expect anything since I aim to be kind UNconditionally, but it helps if people show appreciation and give back. You don't start feeling unwanted, worthless.

I suppose this is part and parcel of life. We'll meet people who don't behave the way we expect them to, based on the expectations we have on our own selves. We'll meet people who simply won't give two shiz about you.

So I have some advice for myself. A, it's okay. It's okay if you have not met the 'right' people. Every person that Allah s.w.t has put in your life and you will meet in future is meant for you. He is the best of Planners, there is wisdom in everything that happens to you. Don't give up in being the best person you can be. Don't give in to the despair that clings to your heart. It will be alright. It will be okay. Allah is with you.

Love Yourself

Never, ever throw away your values for something that you desire. Your gut has always been right, do not disregard it just because you want that which is not even halal. Protect yourself, and Allah swt will protect you and reward you with something infinitely better.


Stop making me fall in love with you.

I know it's just who you are as a person. Funny, charming, flirty. But you're engaged. Is that not enough to make you realize you've made a commitment to one person? Should you not have your actions reflect that?

Instead you make me laugh and forget my pain all day, everyday. You tease me with sweet nothings.

Sayang. You belong to me. But I like you. She's mine. Darling.


What am I supposed to do when you treat me this way? It's just a game to you isn't it. You have know idea the implications your words are having on my heart.

It means nothing. And yet I can't help hoping.

I want to break off from this binding spell you've put on me.

Let me go.

Aug. 13th, 2017

Stop it. Stop giving your heart away. No matter how wonderful the person, how kind and gentle, do not let your happiness be dependent on them. Do not let your love for others bring you sorrow. Do not give your all. In the end, love yourself first. The only person you can love crazily is Rasulullah s.a.w. And even more so for your Lord. Ya Allah, my heart gets strung so easily. Please forgive, please help me, please protect me. I am so tired. Please guide my feelings and protect me from hurting myself over and over again. Ya Allah, I am weak. Please forgive me.
Oh honey. When will you stop giving your heart away so easily.

Jun. 18th, 2017

Ya Allah. Please ya Allah. Please bless me with peace and tranquility. Please do not let my happiness be dependent on other people. On creation. Please guide me on the straight path and bring me close to you. Please let Your love for me envelop me. Please wake me up. Please protect me from the hurt others bring to me. Please protect me from being affected by others. Please help me. Please help me. Please help me. Please bless me with the freedom from having shackles around my heart. Shackles that tie me down to others due to my insecurities. Please free me ya Allah. I cannot take this anymore. I cannot take the pain anymore. I'm trying ya Allah. But all I feel is pain. The same pain throughout most of my life. Please give me freedom.
It's official. I don't love you.

The longer and better I get to know you, the more I realise you're just not the kind of person I want as a life partner. And that's okay, because different people complement different people.

What I can't stand is the amount of giving I am doing for our friendship. You seem to not give two hoots about it, I'm the only one who's always giving and giving and giving and not receiving anything. Don't get me wrong, we're not supposed to expect anything from any relationship, that just makes the whole thing insincere, BUT. It's tiring when the other party just isn't as committed as I am. And I deserve better. I know I deserve better. I know I deserve friends and colleagues who truly enjoy my company and want to be with me. Anyone deserves that. May Allah bless me to be good company, and be with good company. Ameen.


I still can't tell if I have feelings for you, or if I'm just selfish and in need of attention and affection.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of having no good friends at work. I'm tired of caring about what other people think of me. I'm tired of being unable to be myself. I'm tired of putting my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of being disliked. I'm tired of being excluded. I'm tired of being superficial. I'm tired of being the wrong puzzle piece. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not meeting people who think like me. I'm tired of people who aren't understanding. I'm tired of people who bitch about others. I'm tired of people who make fun of others. I'm tired of people who don't reflect on themselves. I'm tired of people who don't care. I'm tired of people who judge others. I'm tired of people who are filled with self-centeredness. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being me.

Apr. 9th, 2017

You're so unfair, you know that? I thought I'd have one weekend without contacting you since I have no reason to. But you ended up messaging me instead, even though the upcoming test is simple as pie. If I don't talk to you for one weekend, maybe that will help ease my feelings, make them fade away. But that didn't happen.

My yearning just stayed in my chest. I could feel it. Feel the itch to just contact you, even if it's work-related, even though I will never be anything to you, even though you only talk to me when you need something.

Trust me, if I had any control I would never have fallen for you. But you can't control these things, am I still to blame for something that I have no power over?

I just want this to disappear. If it's not meant to be then please God make me disappear from his life, and make him disappear from mine.

Love is blind

Why do I always fall for guys whom I'm not compatible with? And why are guys whom I'm comfortable with and would love to get together with, always already attached and somehow getting married soon?

Oh well